


Changed (I'll Never Be Her Again)

by prettycheese21



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Reader, Based on a song, Bucky Barnes Feels, But whatever, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fight Sequences, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Long Lost Lover Back From the Dead, Or at least my attempt at them, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Reader Has Issues, Reader-Insert, Recovery, Reunions, She wasn't actually dead, Sort of a Songfic, Tumblr request, hydra reader, kind of, request, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 12:05:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7360753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettycheese21/pseuds/prettycheese21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is adjusting to life outside of Hydra when a ghost from his past appears; his long lost girlfriend. Only now she's one of Hydra's brainwashed soldiers, and she's proving to be just as dangerous as the former Winter Soldier himself. <br/>Can Bucky bring her back to herself or is she too far gone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changed (I'll Never Be Her Again)

**Author's Note:**

> "Could you please do a Bucky x reader based off the lines "You want her, you need her. And I'll never be her" from the song "i hate you, i love you" from Gnash feat. Olivia O'Brien. With a happy ending please." - Anon
> 
> This was SO fun to write! And, considering this is my first true Bucky x Reader, I have to say it went pretty well. 
> 
> Enjoy!

   After Bucky had begun the process of adjusting to life in the twenty-first century, he’d expected it to be difficult to accept that the past was gone. Everyone he’d ever known, aside from Steve, was long gone and dead or damn near close to it. He and Steve would talk about it, Steve letting him know it was okay to miss those times because he sure as hell did. Bucky would always roll his eyes and tell him he didn’t have to give him psych talk, that he knew it was okay to have emotions. That’s just how life had been for him since he’d been unthawed for, what he’d hoped was, the final time.

   But life didn’t remain that way for long. 

   Just as Bucky had gotten into the groove of things, life threw him a curveball. A curveball in the shape of his steady girlfriend from the forties. Steve and his team had been given a file on the side, courtesy of Sharon, that she thought they would be interested in. And, upon opening the file to be faced with a ghost from the past was _definitely_ interesting. 

   It was strange, to see (Name) not smile in a photo. Then again, this was a snapshot from a security camera as she was mid-run, her gun shooting off rounds behind her. There was a lot of shocking things about her aside from her now broody demeanor. Her hair, which had once always been neatly put up and away from her face,  was now long, unruly, and fell freely around her face. The eyes were the most different. They were the same (Eye Color) as he remembered, but there was no light in them, the kind that glinted in them whenever she made a clever jab at him.

   So, while this woman most certainly looked like (Name), it wasn’t her. It was a brainwashed soldier that was trained to do one thing: complete their mission.

   "Wait, _this_ is the (Name) you kept blabbing about?” Sam questioned, gesturing to the snapshot, the only recent photo they had of her.

   “Yeah,” Bucky nodded grimly. “It is.” He turned to Steve, “We have to get her back.” His face was set in a kind of determination that said he was doing it regardless of whether or not anyone agreed with him.

   It was lucky Steve felt the same way. “Of course. But we gotta figure out where she’s headed next, so we can stop her before she does anymore damage.”

   “No kidding,” Clint commented. “According to the file, she’s built up a reputation to rival that of Bucky’s. Since you’ve been gone, it seems she’s the talk of the town.”

   Bucky ran a hand through his hair. “Where would she go? They usually only got us involved when something huge was at stake, like a major political change.”

   “Well, let’s start there,” Steve stated. “We can ask around and see if anything big is going down soon. Then, if we think it’s big enough for her to show up, we’ll head there and stop her.” Bucky both appreciated and hated that Steve made this whole thing sound simple, as if it couldn’t possibly end in disaster.  
*****  
    It didn’t take them long to figure out where (Name) would be. It was all over the news. There was a major meeting between government officials to take place in France. Its outcome would have major implications for Europe and the world. Hydra would have to send their best asset there to make sure things went smoothly, doing what needed to be done in order to get the favored outcome. 

   A quick flight to France and some searching later, they came upon the building that housed the officials, who were already deep in talks. They split up to search for (Name); Steve, Bucky, and Sam were going on the rooftops while Scott, Wanda and Clint took to the streets. 

   They’d searched two rooftops before they’d stumbled upon the sniper’s nest facing the south end of the meeting house. The sniper’s nest, however was not empty. And its occupant was now very much aware of the new threats on her rooftop. 

   She’d sprung up, ditching her sniper rifle in favor of her pistol, complete with silencer, from her side harness. Firing off three shots, (Name) used their distraction as an escape opportunity as she booked it toward the open roof access door. The three men were quick to catch on to her plan and ran after her, determined not to let her get away. Not when they were so close. 

   Steve had been the first to catch up to her after a few flights down the stairwell. He’d been surprised by the sheer amount of strength she possessed and the way he had as much difficulty deflecting her punches as he did Bucky’s. He managed to get a few good hits in, dazing her long enough to grab her by her arms, like he was about to lift and carry her, kicking and screaming, out of the building himself.

   (Name) had come back to herself and was quick to fight back. She brought her head back and snapped it forward to sharply head-butt Steve. Making good use of Steve’s momentary distraction, she used his chest as a makeshift spring board, she twisted herself from his weakening hold and flipped over the railing, free-falling the rest of the way, tucking and rolling into a smooth landing on the ground floor. She was off and running just as the rest of the men reached Steve.

   Steve brought his hand up to his nose, frowning at the blood that coated his fingers when he brought them back. “Come on. We’re losing her,” he said as he took off down the stairs again.

   Turned out (Name) had taken them to the streets, sprinting down the narrowed alleyways. Seeing as how it would be counterproductive to all follow her from behind, Steve gestured to either side of him in a silent command to split up to attempt to trap her on all sides. When the other two briefly nodded their consent, they were off again.

   Bucky hadn’t expected to almost run into her after five minutes of writing. And he was certainly surprised when she held her gun up right up to his face as if he were nothing to him. Lucky for him, he swiped the gun from her hand with his metal arm just as she pulled the trigger, sending it into a nearby trashcan with a _tink_. 

   She immediately went for his face with her fist, Bucky only just getting his arm up to block it. A few more punches were thrown his way, with him blocking each of them but taking a step back as she kept pushing offensively. He took a chance when another punch was thrown at his face. Ducking to avoid the punch, Bucky took advantage of her being off-balance and swiped her legs out from under her, sending her to the ground. 

   He immediately went over to her and began to try and talk her out of it just as Steve had tried to do just a couple years ago.  ”(Name), it’s me. It’s Bucky. You gotta listen to me.“

   (Name) was not in the business of listening, as she kicked at his chest, sending him stumbling backwards as she launched herself back onto her feet with the grace of a jungle cat. The next thing Bucky knew when he’d corrected his balance (Name) was lunging at him with a knife, swiping at his jugular. The action had sent him backpedalling as he moved and dodged the sharp movements.

   In a stroke of luck, Bucky managed to catch the hand holding the knife, effectively stopping all movement. He only had seconds before she’d try to break the hold and, seeing as it wasn’t his metal one, that itself wouldn’t take long. “Listen to me,” he began, desperation lacing his tone, “Your name is (Name) (Last Name). You and I were together a long time ago. I loved you. And you loved me back for some strange reason.” He saw a glint of something in her eyes, a something that could have been recognition. With that sliver of hope, he kept going, “You’re stronger than this. I know that the real you is in there somewhere. You need to come out, doll.  Recognize me. Please, (Name).”

   Bucky stayed silent but hopeful as he watched the glint in her eyes morph into a confused expression. What was this guy talking about? And why did he look so familiar. She shut her eyes as a pain shot through her skull. No! She had a mission to complete and all this man was doing was getting in the way of that. He had to go.

   Bucky’s expression fell when (Name) opened her eyes again. The glint was gone and now replaced with the blank slate of a brainwashed operative. He knew what would happen before it even started.

   She skillfully wretched her hand free, and moved to strike the fatal slice.

   Before she could do that though, Sam and Clint tackled her to the ground, the blade slicing Bucky’s cheek instead as she hit the asphalt. They each held down one side of her as she thrashed underneath them, looking for leverage to break free from their hold. “Now, Wanda!” Clint shouted as he concentrated on keeping (Name) down. 

   Wanda’s hands, now glowing their scarlet red, lowered themselves quickly to (Name)’s temples. For a moment, (Name) tensed, the struggling stopping as her eyes widened and her mouth opened with a gasp. Her expression morphed into one of pain as she shut her eyes tight and arched her head back, as if the movement would make whatever was happening to her stop. 

   Bucky, with his hand cupping his injured cheek, asked in concern, “What’re you doing to her?”

   “She’s trying to break through to (Name),” Steve explained as he approached Bucky, Scott not too far behind him. “Wanda said she might be able to get through the conditioning Hydra put her through.” He put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Are you alright, Buck?”

   Pulling his hand away, Bucky saw it with a light coating of blood from the cut on his cheek. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He watched as (Name) writhed beneath Sam and Clint’s grip, reminding him eerily of the process of being wiped. Then she went limp, Wanda removing her hands as she looked down at the woman with a tired expression. Bucky was the first to break the still air of the alley as he asked, “Is she alive?”

   Clint already had two fingers pressed to her neck before Wanda managed out a “Yes.” He nodded his confirmation before anyone could ask him to.

   There was an audible sigh of relief from Bucky. She was alive. (Name), the love his life way back in the day, was alive. Alive and stuck in the same sort of situation he had, and even still kind of was. He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or terrified in what was in store for her.  
*****  
    It was a couple days later when (Name) finally awoke again with a start. She noticed, much to her confusion, that she restrained to a bed. Her surroundings were completely foreign to her, a rather bare room in what looked to be a facility of some sort. Last thing she remembered, she was in an alley fighting… Bucky? But that was impossible. Her boyfriend had been long dead, lost on a mission in some remote mountain region. How could he still be alive after all this time?

   “(Name),” came a familiar voice from the doorway. When she looked up, she saw an old friend that was also supposed to be very much dead. 

   “Steve?” she gasped. “What? You’re supposed to be dead.”

   Steve gave a dry chuckle. “I could say the same about you.”

   “But… how?” That’s all she wanted to know. How in the hell was one of her best friends standing in front of her right now and not six feet under like the rest of the people she knew back in the day.

   “The same as you and Bucky, I suppose; I was frozen. Though, mine was much less official and even less monitored than yours.” She appreciated Steve trying to keep the mood light, as if he could sense that she was pretty confused and absolutely terrified.

   (Name) gave a weak chuckle as she asked, “Where am I?”

   “An out of the way facility a friend of ours let us borrow,” he stated briefly.

   “You’re safe. Hydra won’t find you here. No one will.”

   “I sure hope so,” came her muttered reply. Then she remembered something he’d said. “Wait… Bucky’s here? He’s alive?”

   He gave her a small smile. “Yeah, and he’s dying to see you. That is, if you want to see him.” She nodded at his not-a-question question. “I’ll go get him.” With that, he left the room, leaving her alone in the quiet of the empty room.

   She waited about five minutes before she heard the sound of approaching footsteps. Within moments, Bucky appeared in the doorway. He looked her up and down and gave her a small smile when he saw the familiar glint back her eyes. “Hey, (Name).”

   (Name) returned her own smile. “Bucky,” she breathed, “I can’t believe it.”

   “Neither can I.” He walked further into the room, sitting on a chair near the bed on which she sat. “I thought I’d left you behind in the forties.”

   “I thought _you_ were dead.” She drank him in, taking in all the familiar and unfamiliar details that adorned the man she’d loved all those years ago. Hell, the feeling in her chest told her those feelings weren’t as dead as she thought. She still loved him. “What happened to you?”

   Bucky shook his head, “That’s a story for another time. Right now, we need to focus on you. Getting you up to speed, getting your memories back, just… getting you back to yourself.” He pulled her into a tentative hug. “I’ve missed you, doll. You have no idea.”

   (Name) tensed for a moment, not used to the close and loving contact Bucky was currently giving to her. “I… I’ve missed you, Buck. I would… I would hug you back, but I’m a bit-” she pulled at the restraints on her wrists “-tied up at the moment.”

   He let out a laugh as he moved his hands down to undo her restraints, “Here, let me.” With her freed, the two are now able to properly hold each other for the first time in decades.  
*****  
    At first, things had been going as well as they could’ve been. (Name) was slowly gaining back memories from her past as she adjusted to life with Bucky in the modern world. Some days were better than others. It really depended on what she gained that day. Some days she remembered something pre-war, like her first kiss with Bucky or the time they pranked Steve and nearly gave him an asthma attack because they scared him so bad. Those were the good days, when (Name) felt most like herself. Then there were the days she remembered killing someone in every gruesome detail or she remembered one of the many parts that went into her conditioning. Those were bad days. Those days were the ones where tears were shed and things were broken. Those were the days she wished they would have just killed her instead.

   This happened to be one of her bad days, and Bucky was right there to comfort her. Just like he always was. And she hated herself for making him stick around. It was clear he didn’t want to be taking care of her. Well, at least the ‘her’ that she was now. She knew Bucky wanted the old (Name) back. The (Name) whose picture he always looked at when he thought she was asleep. 

  It was a picture of them just before they went on one their dates; his arm wrapped tightly around her waist and a playful smirk on his face as he looked into the camera while (Name) placed a kiss onto his cheek, smiling as she did. The photo itself was worn around the edges from both age and being held much too often.

   That’s why she found herself practically whispering to Bucky as he held her after a particularly bad attack, “You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want. You can go. I’ll understand.”

   Bucky adjusted himself so he was looking directly at (Name). “What are you talking about, doll? Of course I want to stay. Where’s this coming from?”

   She sighed. “I know you don’t love me like that anymore, Buck. You know who you love?” She sat up, disentangling herself from his arms, and pointed to the nightstand, where their old picture currently sat. “Her. You want _her_. You need _her_. And the thing is… I’ll never be her. At least, not again.”

   He sat up now, looking at her as if she were insane. “What? Of course I love you! I want _you_. I need _you_.” He took her hand in both of his, making her look at him, “Look, I don’t care if you’re exactly the same girl from the forties. I’m not the same guy I was back then. A lot has happened since then and we’ve changed because of it. And, with a bit of time and a lot of talking, I’m hoping we can work past that. We can get to know each other for who we are now.”

   (Name) had to admit it sounded nice. But she was still skeptical. “How am I supposed to do that when I don’t even know who I am now?”

   “Figure it out as you go,” he said simply. “I know I still am.”

   This was enough to put her at ease. It was something about the way he said it with such conviction, as if he believed himself that this would work out if they tried. If Bucky believed it, she should too. It was then another memory came through, a happy one. 

   It was about Bucky and how he was always so good at reading relationships and their potential. He seemed to have a sixth sense for that kind of thing. A warm feeling spread through her chest at the memory, a smile working its way onto her face. (Name) had always taken his word for it back then, and she couldn’t help but want to do that now. With a smile on her face, she looked at him and said, “Okay. Let’s do it. Let’s do this whole ‘get to know each other all over again’ thing.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm considering turning this into a series, seeing as my editor low-key demanded it lol  
> Your thoughts on that? Let me know!
> 
> Like it? Want more?  
> Let me know by leaving a kudos or a comment!
> 
> Want to request something of your own?  
> You can do that in the comments here or on my Tumblr page (@notsoobviousfangirl).
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
